Wrong time... (Erwin x Reader)

“Leave me out with the waste this is not what I do
It´s the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you
It´s the wrong time for somebody new
It´s a small crime and I´ve got no excuse.”

The moon shining through the window illuminated the small room. Everything looked different than in sunlight. Darker. Mysterious.
You weren´t interested in this. Although everything looked somehow beautiful. Peaceful. But it also looked cold. As cold as a dead men’s skin. It made you shiver inside.

The night was something you disliked. Nightmares and images of the titans were haunting you from time to time. But never so bad that you couldn´t sleep.
Except on a full moon night. You could barely sleep because the nightmares would always be the worst.

Instead of sleeping you were thinking. And this was never good. The conclusions you were making then would always hurt your heart.

Because this was a difficult time. A time where happiness could not be found.
You didn’t deserve happiness. It felt wrong in this world.

Still your heart was loving, but your mind scolded you for this. It made you mad. Desperate.
Miserably sad.
But there was no time for being sad. You needed to be strong.

Otherwise you wouldn´t survive in this world. In this time.

Sighing you leaned against the wall. You were sitting on the bed.
You weren´t alone.
The commander laid in front of you. He had turned his back towards you. Facing his broad shoulders you started to examine him. The way his body was illuminated by the moon. The muscles moving with every breath he took.
He´s been sleeping like this for many month now.

Never facing you.

Your heart ached but your mind kept telling you that this was right. That love had no place in your life. That he was thinking the same as you.

So you endured this. But you ached for his touch, for his blue eyes on you. His warm and gentle embrace. His lips onto yours. You missed him desperately.

You loved him.

It was not right, thinking of him. You shouldn´t do this. Soldiers had no feelings and they would never show them. They needed to be strong. You needed to be strong.
Because there was no future.

No future for love.

And it was ok. This world just didn´t allow it.

Still, you wanted him to know. Wanted him to feel. But you also wanted him to forget this. You would never forget, you weren´t able to.

“I love you.” you whispered into the night.

But you wanted him to leave you out of his life. Once you, or he, would open themselves there would be no turning back.
It should all stay as it was.

“Is that alright?
Yeah…”

--

“Leave me out with the waste this is not what I do
It´s the wrong kind of place to be cheating on you
It´s the wrong time she´s pulling me through
It´s a small crime and I´ve got no excuse.”

His breath was deep and slow. But he didn´t sleep. He wasn´t able to.
Questions were plaguing him for a long time. Sleeping like this, back towards you, helped him not to show his emotions.

You shouldn´t see him struggling. Because there was no place for you in his heart.
It belonged to humankind. His burden was to give them hope again. To end this difficult time.

It was breaking him. But you broke him more.

Showing emotion was no option for him. If he got attached it would mean not only the end for him but also for you.
You didn´t deserve it.

You didn´t deserve him.

And still you would sleep beside him every night. No matter how worse the expedition would have been. No matter how cold he would treat you.

It broke his heart more than you would expect. He needed to admit that he loved you.

But in this time? There was no place for you and him. And it was ok. At least he thought so.

And still, he missed you. Your warmth was gone for quite a while now. He could feel your feet slightly touching him.
He wasn´t the only one awake.

Feelings were overwhelming him every night. Dreams of you were haunting him. Dreams of you two together. Of you being dead.

He couldn´t bear the thoughts. He needed to be cold, because that is what soldiers were supposed to be. What a commander was supposed to be. He needed to be the strongest of them all.

It was the wrong time, the wrong place. No future. No love.

Only emptiness.

“I love you.”

The whisper reached his ears. Went straight to his heart.
And made him feel only worse.

Happiness was something he should be aching for. He ached for you instead. Your warmth should caress him again.

He wanted you.

This world didn´t allow it. It would never do. Not even if the titans would vanish from it.
Why did he stay here? Here with you?

Because hurting you would only cause more pain. So it should stay like this.
It was right like this.

“Is that alright?
Yeah…”

--

Suddenly Erwin moved around to face you. His beautiful blue orbs locked with your (e/c) eyes.
You were staying like this for eons.

He saw you struggling. Saw it in your eyes. Saw that your mind would always win the fight.
And you saw the same in his orbs.

No future.

A tear formed in your eye and slowly left it. It was a long way down your cheek.
Seeing you like this made him tremble. A hand was balled to a fist to suppress the feelings creeping into him.

No love.

You wanted him with every fiber of your body. It felt so damn right. His eyes were so icy, no emotions. No love. Nothing.
And still could you tell that this was not him.
Not the person you knew. And grew to love even more.

Another tear. And his expression changed.

“Is that alright?
With you?”

He suddenly sat up. He pulled you close. Wrapped his arms around you.

Your hearts were beating. Aching. For each other.

The tears ran freely now, sobs escaping your small form.
But you were feeling him. His warmth enveloped you. And yours caressed him again. He rested his forehead onto yours.
You knew that he loved you. That he didn´t want to hurt you.

He knew that you couldn´t stand it. Loving him.

It was the wrong time. The wrong place.

You were so close to each other. But there was a distance, no one of you could surmount.
Not even the love.

It should be this way. And it was alright.

“No.”