Home Again (Erwin x Reader)

Six years it´s been that you offered your heart for humankind and joined the Survey Corps.
Six years serving under the command of him – Erwin Smith.
Sixteen years ago, you met him for the first time.
Sixteen years, you´ve been in love with him.

Even though you stood behind the ideals of the Survey Corps with all your heart, it took only a couple of seconds to destroy you. To break your wings. To rip your heart apart. Since then you were constantly questioning if it was the right choice to join the Survey Corps.

That was merely a few days ago.

You have been on a mission outside the walls along with the other soldiers. Everything went well, nothing bad happened. Until something seemed to go horribly wrong. You couldn´t really remember what happened. It was just, on moment you were riding on your horse along with your teammates and in the next moment you were fighting against at least ten titans.

As all the members of your team were eaten one by one, you watched in shock. Even as your squad leader disappeared in the mouth of a titan, you weren´t able to do anything. Falling to your knees you looked up to see the face of one of those monsters. It was impossible for you to get away; your gear was broken and unusable. This was probably the end for you.

A strange feeling had been creeping into your heart back then. You couldn´t quite name it, but it forced you to just sit there on your legs and wait for the inevitable to come. The flame of the will for fighting – the will to survive – was burned out.

The titan never had the chance to touch you though.

“Stupid brat! Don´t just sit there. Fight, for heaven’s sake!”

You did as you were told, but you did it without your heart and soul.


That strange feeling remained, even now, when you were sitting on a bench near a window.

Little snowflakes slowly made their way from the sky down to the ground. It has been like that now for hours. Because of that everything was covered with a thin layer of white powder.
Somehow it looked peaceful to you. Quiet. And it was also very beautiful. You loved the snow and the way the world looked like, especially when the sun gave everything a shimmering shine.

But the coldness was something many people underestimated. Even if this white world looked so peaceful it still held threats. It could not lessen the beauty of it, though.

That world outside the window reminded you of yourself. You felt coldness, even in this warm room. It was quiet, even if there were many people around you. Your world was just not that beautiful nor peaceful.
Nightmares had been haunting you now for the last days. You would´ve gone to your family as some soldiers did to clear their minds, but you hadn´t any family left. And your friends? Well, they died at that expedition. Although, there was still that one person…
No, there would be no way he would comfort you. Nobody could fill that hole in your heart that was for sure. You would remain alone, till you finally will die. Maybe on the next expedition? Or that right after? You didn´t know. You didn´t care. That pain should just end.

As you were watching the little white dots flying through the sky, the faces of your friends, teammates and family appeared in front of your inner eye. Every one of them. Everyone you had lost now.
Everyone who had left you alone.

“Everything alright?” a deep voice asked.

Your mind snapped back to reality and you slowly turned your head to face the person who just interrupted your peace.

It was, of course, the ever so stoic commander.

Will he ever pull that mask off?

Concern was shown in his face; it didn´t reach his eyes though. He didn´t really mean it, did he? Sure he was trained not to care.
When your face was fully turned towards him his eyes slightly widened in surprise.

“[Name]…” he whispered.

Huh?

He really seemed to be flustered. You blinked several times. Why was he looking at you like that? It almost seemed as if he was pity. Pity for you. Did this mean?

I haven´t been crying for years. I have never done it since I am a soldier, even if I was alone. So, why does he look at me as if I were crying? Me? Crying? No way. There must be another reason…

But suddenly you felt it. Your eyes seemed to be sore and your vision was a bit blurry.

Carefully you lifted a hand up to your cheek and touched the skin. There was a long, cold and wet river from your eye down to your jaw, where it disappeared. A lonely tear was stopped by your finger and hardly made its way over it. Eventually it rolled over the finger and fell down to the ground.

Slowly your hand fell limb to your side again. Closing your (e/c) eyes for mere seconds you turned away from Erwin to face the window again.
A new tear escaped your eye and relined the trace on the cheek you just had touched.

The snow still fell down to the ground, dancing through the sky.

Erwin approached you and placed himself a few inches away from you on the bench. His blue orbs rested on you.

“May I ask what made you cry?”

You snorted. “As if you would know that feeling.”

“Try me” he simply said.

A long sigh escaped your lips.

“Lost. The feeling of being all alone. Even if your friends are around or all the soldiers of the Survey Corps are in one room with you, you still feel as if you don’t belong to them. Wrapped in a warm embrace you still feel cold. Your heart and soul are aching. Nothing seems to be important. It is as if it was only you and no place to go to feel better. That feeling would never fade away. You would remain alone, forlorn forever. Lost.”

Silence fell over you. Erwin looked away from you and watched the snowfall, too.

After a while, which seemed like eons, he started to speak.

“It is less the feeling of being lost.”

You turned your head again to look at him, surprised. His gaze remained at the winter scene out front.

“It is more the feeling that something is missing” he continued. “A place where you can withdraw from everything. Where people are loving and supporting you, chasing the nightmares away. People who are just there for you. Comforting you. A place where you can truly be who you really are. Where you can be happy for a while even if the world is spinning out of control.”

As he spoke you inspected him intently. Somehow you felt different when he was there right next to you. You felt, somehow, … calm. Without knowing it your hand placed itself over his.

“Home” you whispered knowing exactly what he meant.

“Yes.”

He turned to meet your gaze a sad smile on his lips. Now also his eyes showed emotion. You could see the same loneliness and sadness you felt. But you could also see a hint of hope in those blue orbs. His hand intertwined with yours and he slightly squeezed it.

“Do you think it is possible to regain that ‘home’ someday?”


Sixteen years ago he saw you for the first – and the last – time.
Sixteen years of rapid heartbeat whenever he thought of you.
Six years now that you´ve been back in his life as a soldier in the Survey Corps.
Six years being so close, and still so far away from you.